Tuesday, April 14, 2015

Thank You, Past

Hello lovelies,

I am going to my 5-year college reunion this summer, and I am incredibly excited. I have been looking forward to this since last year, and I just can't wait. I am now going alone, and although I wish I could have someone close to me accompany me on my trip down memory lane, I think I'll have an incredible amount of fun regardless.

I've been reminiscing moreso recently, and I have been remembering, so vividly, all of the emotions of my late teens and early 20s. Everything was confusing and frustrating and exciting and electrifying and new! I had moved to Massachusetts from Hawaii without visiting the state first. I had never lived without my parents, and I had no family around the area. AND I had only one other person from my high school who was going to be there. When I say new...I mean n e w.

Of course I was afraid and nervous. BUT the possibility of discovering and learning and growing outside of my little box was so much more intriguing and attractive and outweighed the fear that I had.  When I first landed, it was raining and dreary and I felt that there was nothing familiar at all about my new home.  The architecture was different, I saw no one that looked at all like myself, and I was so scared to talk to anyone. Then...I walked into my dorm and met my entrymates and exchanged a couple smiles. I met my roommate for the first time, we laughed, the sun came out, and my world changed.  My mother and father eventually left me, I gained my bearings, I met new people (including a new man, who is still a good friend to this day), and began to experience another side of me.  There were some many stumbles and many tears and a few fights with the ones I loved.  But through it all, I gained a new family and a sense of self.

Coming home from college, I found myself a little lost again; I knew how to navigate the east coast but I didn't know how to be as a 20-something in Hawaii.  For a few years, I felt lost and I intertwined my sense of self with another. Now, though, I have come to find myself, and I feel that I have made it full circle.  I now fully own and am myself, no matter where I choose reside. I have rediscovered that person I once was, and I finally feel like I am fully in control again. As a close friend of mine said, it doesn't matter what others think of you when you know who you are inside. Although reputation can matter in certain circumstances, at the end of the day, it is who you truly are to yourself that matters.

I am thankful to have had 4 years so far away from my home to truly self-discover. I was on my own to invent myself as I wished; virtually no ties existed there that tied me to my identity at home. I became anew, and I love that. I am so thankful for the aches, pains, and joys of my past. I wouldn't be here now if it wasn't for the sorrow and oblivion. I am so glad I let myself feel so deeply.

Cass xx

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