Tuesday, April 14, 2015

Thank You, Past

Hello lovelies,

I am going to my 5-year college reunion this summer, and I am incredibly excited. I have been looking forward to this since last year, and I just can't wait. I am now going alone, and although I wish I could have someone close to me accompany me on my trip down memory lane, I think I'll have an incredible amount of fun regardless.

I've been reminiscing moreso recently, and I have been remembering, so vividly, all of the emotions of my late teens and early 20s. Everything was confusing and frustrating and exciting and electrifying and new! I had moved to Massachusetts from Hawaii without visiting the state first. I had never lived without my parents, and I had no family around the area. AND I had only one other person from my high school who was going to be there. When I say new...I mean n e w.

Of course I was afraid and nervous. BUT the possibility of discovering and learning and growing outside of my little box was so much more intriguing and attractive and outweighed the fear that I had.  When I first landed, it was raining and dreary and I felt that there was nothing familiar at all about my new home.  The architecture was different, I saw no one that looked at all like myself, and I was so scared to talk to anyone. Then...I walked into my dorm and met my entrymates and exchanged a couple smiles. I met my roommate for the first time, we laughed, the sun came out, and my world changed.  My mother and father eventually left me, I gained my bearings, I met new people (including a new man, who is still a good friend to this day), and began to experience another side of me.  There were some many stumbles and many tears and a few fights with the ones I loved.  But through it all, I gained a new family and a sense of self.

Coming home from college, I found myself a little lost again; I knew how to navigate the east coast but I didn't know how to be as a 20-something in Hawaii.  For a few years, I felt lost and I intertwined my sense of self with another. Now, though, I have come to find myself, and I feel that I have made it full circle.  I now fully own and am myself, no matter where I choose reside. I have rediscovered that person I once was, and I finally feel like I am fully in control again. As a close friend of mine said, it doesn't matter what others think of you when you know who you are inside. Although reputation can matter in certain circumstances, at the end of the day, it is who you truly are to yourself that matters.

I am thankful to have had 4 years so far away from my home to truly self-discover. I was on my own to invent myself as I wished; virtually no ties existed there that tied me to my identity at home. I became anew, and I love that. I am so thankful for the aches, pains, and joys of my past. I wouldn't be here now if it wasn't for the sorrow and oblivion. I am so glad I let myself feel so deeply.

Cass xx

Monday, April 6, 2015

Independence Established

Dear lovelies,

It is official. I have a new apartment. I am going to sign the lease this week, and I am looking forward to this move so much. I don't know if I've ever been this excited before in my life. Ok, I probably have been, but still. I AM SO EXCITED.

Finding my own place and living on my own is going to be a challenge but a challenge that I willingly and most graciously accept. I feel like everything is falling into place as it should. I'm flying to an outer island for business and then flying in to move into my apartment in two weeks. I am looking forward to being immensely happy discovering the world as it presents itself to me. And how can I not be happy with a new apartment that has a pool and gazebo. :)

On a side note, I did some self-discovery within the past week or so. I found that I detest feeling even remotely caged; I would rather feel completely uncertain than feel caged by  a security that I do not completely want. In all experiences, I seek the freedom to be who I am. Feeling like a dulled-down version of myself is not an experience I enjoy. I am so excited to finally do what I want, when I want, and how I want. I'm not saying that my choices don't have consequences; what I am saying is that I am willing to face those consequences if those choices are completely my own. Live and let live, baby.  We only have one life to live, and to prevent ourselves from seeking something that would give us happiness/pleasure (as LONG as that something does not hurt another) would be unfortunate for our own sakes.

With that, I am going to start putting myself out there and trying new things!  I need to go to more gastropubs and bars and hikes and restaurants and cafes and beaches...etc etc. AND, I need to go to the art museum more, especially since I'll be living so close by.  I see wonderful strolls through art exhibits in my near future. I'll bring my journal and just immerse myself in art and, of course, have a coffee at the cafe. SO EXCITED. I used to have days to myself at my college and stroll through the countryside of Massachusetts. I think it's time I had those days back...just the strolls have to be in Hawaii now haha.


Hope you all are getting what's yours and exploring the world! Don't let yourself be your own barrier! 


Wednesday, April 1, 2015

What Does It Mean to Be Happy?

Hello all,

Okay, I know the title of the blogpost is a little...abstract and is on the verge of being too obviously philosophical. Bear with me.

So, right now, I am lounging around with some cheap red wine that I just bought from Don Quijote, a grocery story by my work place. It's nothing special but still a nice finish to a long day.  Today was nothing too out of the ordinary, but I did get to meet a couple new faces at the coffee cart I usually frequent in the mornings. I didn't catch their names, but, as I was talking to the barista, they came up and casually started conversations. In the course of 10 minutes, one man revealed his possibly relentless need to discover more and I found out that a woman was familiar with where I went to college up in MA. Pretty awesome. I am finally opening up a lot more nowadays, and I am feeling more and more like the person I had grown to love many moons ago.

Anywho, as I sit here with my red wine, I remember the first time I had ever fully drank wine at all. It was in college (yes, I was a good little high school girl), and my friends and I planned a "Greek" symposium on a weekend night. We planned to drink wine, dress in togas (aka our bedsheets from our twin extra-long beds), and philosophize. So, someone bought us boxes of wine (FRANZIA), we dressed in our ridiculous garb, we gathered in a common room, and our young minds began to answer the philosophical question posed, which was..."WHAT IS HAPPINESS?" I was excited to partake in the event, and throughout the course of the evening, our somewhat intellectual discourse turned into laughter and fun. Unfortunately for me, I had just recovered from a breakup and my mumbling and pathetic answer, I believe, had something to do with reciprocal love. I woke up the next morning feeling physically awful and embarrassed at my answer. My friends, though, just laughed and smiled and offered me water. The years went on, and now I look back fondly.

What's funny is that, this morning, I engaged in a conversation with one of my favorite baristas about the concepts of love and happiness and equality.  Surprisingly, my answer now is not too different from what it was then.  I know that, for me, love is still a component of happiness...but not necessarily in the same way as I thought it to be back then.  Love for family, love for the world, love for a lover...all can make one happy. But to keep happy, I feel you need love for yourself. You need to love yourself and allow yourself to feel joy. And loving yourself means knowing yourself or at least knowing the nature of your being.

And with that...I leave with this gem.

I hope you all love or are growing to love yourselves. And I hope you all realize how much each of you deserve that self-love.